Thursday, December 20, 2001
Monica''s always sung the blues with all the conviction of a true-believing gospel diva and, in fact, her latest album, Gimme That Old Time Religion, is a compilation of gospel tunes. Given the imminent holiday, you can bet there''s going to be more than one kind of soul music at Monica''s gig on Friday. Bluesman John Garr, out of the San Jose area, opens the party, which begins about 7:30pm. For more info: 649-8050.
PERSONAL SHOPPER, FINIS
Here''s a helpful hint for all last-minute shoppers. Who cares if the chances are that anything that''s ordered this late in the game probably won''t get delivered in time for the big day. So what. That''s what the post office is for. Millions of people put off their Christmas shopping until it''s far too late to do any good and they have found a simple solution to justify their procrastination. They blame the post office. Sometime in the middle of January, they get a call from an emotionally wounded Uncle Schmedley, "Pat, Christmas was two weeks ago and still nothing from you. Have you forgotten about me?" Of course the person could ''fess up to their lack of planning, but why? We pay hard-earned tax dollars so we can feign our indignation. "Gadzooks!," we can cry. "I mailed your package way back in November no, wait in October. You mean it still hasn''t arrived? That damned Post Office. I''ll get to the bottom of this!" Then, while guilt is running high, the person runs to a trinket outlet to buy something, takes it to the damned Post Office and really mails it, and a couple days later it shows up on Uncle Schmedley''s doorstep. Not only does the procrastinator win points for sending a gift, she or he also wins points for grappling with the Post Office.
Bottom line: It''s never too late to Christmas shop. For your most discriminating friends and relatives, the ones for whom we wait longest to shop, we return one last time to STUPID.COM. For those who think plastic flamingos are the epitome of landscape design, you can purchase the perfect gift: a DANCING CHRISTMAS FLAMINGO ($24.99). On the Web site, the Santa-hatted, fur-trimmed, foot-tall flamingo is described thusly: "When you press the Flamingo''s wing, music begins to play, and then a chorus begins singing Jingle Bells. And, yes, the Flamingo starts to dance. More precisely, it begins to tap dance. It is surreal." Think how proud cousin Goober will feel when he plants his brand new flamingo on his desk.
And if the flamingo isn''t good enough, he''s sure to love the universal television BIKINI REMOTE CONTROL ($16.97) that you can find at WWW.TWISTED.IWARP. COM/GAG.HTML. Not only is the plastic bimbo''s belly covered with the usual buttons, but the "bikini top flips up to reveal unique channel up-and-down buttons." It''s a very classy work of art that goes well with generic beer, Slim Jims, and televised stock-car racing.