Thursday, December 5, 2002
Politicians are a lot like squid in that they have no qualms about devouring anything that holds a lower or level place on the food chain-including their fellow cephalopods. Yup, it''s a squid-eat-squid world, both in the bay and in Sacramento. Still, Squid fumed last year when state Senate President Pro Tem JOHN BURTON and Senate Republican Leader JAMES BRULTE redrew Senate lines, splintering the Central Coast, drawing Assemblyman FRED KEELEY out of BRUCE MCPHERSON''s soon-to-be vacant seat in the State Senate. Burton and Co. said at the time that the new district was an attempt create a Democratic stronghold in the 12th District. So how did Republican JEFF DENHAM beat well-known former Assemblyman RUSTY AREIAS for the formerly Democrat-held 12th District seat, which includes the Salinas Valley? Sounds like karma to Squid. Kinda like the time Squid ate Sqiud''s older, smarter, better-looking brother and was sicker than a sea otter in kitty litter for a month.
OFFICE OF THE DEPARTMENT...Squid''s seeking a fresh start. Effective immediately, Squid''s weekly column will no longer be called Squid Fry. From here on out, it will be known as CEPHALOPOD FRICASSEE. Because the almighty Cephalopod said so. And because this mollusk''s got powerful friends in the MONTEREY COUNTY SHERIFF''S DEPARTMENT. Opps, Squid means the MONTEREY COUNTY OFFICE OF THE SHERIFF. The name change topped sheriff-elect MIKE KANALAKIS''s First Things To Do List. (Okay, to Kanalakis''s credit, he''s also going after gangs and drug users). But the name change-whew. Finally. Squid''s been hoping and praying that someone would sweep into office with a solution to how to change the department''s, err, office''s name. Squid feels much safer on Monterey County streets now.
DEAR X...Squid received an announcement recently from FRIENDS OF OUR TROOPS, a flag-wavin'' North Carolina-based outfit dedicated to sending fan mail to America''s boys and girls in uniform. Thing is, to protect the troops'' secret mission, the idea is that generic Americans write generic letters to generic soldiers telling them what a great job they''re doing by doing whatever it is that they do in wherever it is that they do it. And Friends of Our Troops wants your letters!
Squid''s funny about preferring personal correspondence to the impersonal. But Squid''s putting aside this prejudice to help potential fan-mail writers with the problem of crafting a letter to someone they know nothing about-a letter that will seem kind of personal to whoever who gets it. So here goes:
Dear Courageous a) Soldier b) Officer c) Administrator,
Thank you so much for the hard work you''re doing there in a) Baghdad b) Qatar c) Djibouti d) Afghanistan. Here at home we''re rooting for you. We a) watch you every night on CNN b) forgot anyone was even stationed there.
I know military life can be difficult. How are your rations? I hope it''s not too a) hot b) cold c) humid d) toxic to sleep at night. Have the a) windstorms b) chemical attacks c) blizzards begun yet? You should always remember to use your a) sunscreen b) gas mask c) wool socks. You never know where you might get caught. Don''t forget, you''re in a harsh environment!
I know nothing can substitute for the comforts of home. But you should know that all of us here at home are so glad you''re there fighting for a) freedom b) $1.49-per-gallon premium c) stability in a remote country none of us can find on a map. You and your fellow troops are true heroes.
Send Squid a Letter: email@example.com