ANIMAL HOUSE... Some cities have rat problems. Others are pigeon infested. And some cities, apparently, have goats. Pigs, too, according to Seaside Animal Control Officer Rob DuCoeur.

"I have been picking up goats and pigs loose in the city as of late," he writes, in a sad and desperate e-mail. It turns out that under a city ordinance, "Hoofed animals...shall not be permitted to be kept in any residential zoning district." Yup, it sounds to Squid like goats and pigs are a no-no. Says DuCoeur, "Let's keep the farm animals on the farm."

FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES... Squid can think of all kinds of cliches for this one. Like, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer." But Squid will just say, "What the hell were they thinking?" Earlier this month, County Supes Butch Lindley and Fernando Armenta received the Ben Heller Award for Leadership and Courage from the Center for Community Advocacy (CCA), an annual award given to housing advocates. Or, in this year's case, given to one Supe (Armenta) who voted against upping the county's meager inclusionary housing policy from 15 percent to 20 percent, and another Supe (Lindley) who's more likely to advocate for a farmer's right to grow big, expensive subdivisions than farmworkers' housing. "Ben is turning in his grave," says one angry tipster.

For those not in the know, Heller was a progressive Monterey Peninsula doctor involved with the Monterey County Sanctuary, a group that helped Central American refugees. The CCA's a Salinas-based non-profit that trains farmworkers to advocate for better housing conditions. It's run by Juan Uranga, who's married to Salinas Mayor Anna Caballero, and who has always been quick to rally his people against slumlords and the like. Apparently not so quick when it comes to elected officials. Or maybe this is what they call positive reinforcement? Nah.

CREATIVE VIOLENCE... Squid is a pacifist. Well, okay, Squid has been known to use Squid's sharp beak to tear into the rubbery flesh of a fellow piece of uncooked calamari. But Squid wonders, what happened to the good old days when squids duked it out tentacle-a-tentacle, and man went mano-a-mano? (Squid realizes that big macho Squid is attacking wee little fishies, but Squid attacks fish for survival reasons only. Not sport. Not jealousy. Not to prove that despite Squid's tiny apparatus, Squid is a big macho Squid.) So Squid thoroughly condemns the bizarre attacks on unarmed victims reported this past weekend in Salinas. One man was cut in the neck by a machete, another man was robbed by three teenagers who knocked him over with a stun gun, and another man was beaten and kicked in the head by two men while he was robbed. In perhaps one of the most insulting events, another man was abducted by three men, thrown into a van, and, when found to be lacking a wallet, was beaten, stripped of his clothing, and thrown naked onto the street.

Squid refuses to accept this uniquely human behavior as "animal nature." Seriously, what's wrong with you people?