Thursday, December 30, 2004
10. Wait for a dark night. Take whatever car you can get your hands on and drive it out to Laguna Seca. Make high-speed victory laps and don’t slow down until it runs out of gas or catches fire. Crash car. Run into the old army training ranges where the cops won’t follow.
9. Slip into Carmel with a chain saw and some wire cages. Mow down every tree in sight. Capture whatever raccoons fall out. Some people will back you on this. Others will get worked up.
8. Skinny dip in the Outer Bay tank at the Aquarium. Release the baby Great White back into ocean. Stock tank with thousands of goldfish. Take one of the big tunas home. Cut into sushi and steaks. Invite friends over for barbecue.
7. Break into Whole Foods. Eat bulk trail mix, dried fruit and chocolate-covered pretzels with your bare hands. Help yourself to high-quality cheese. Load up on meats and wine. Conserve paycheck.
7a. Find a friend with a pick-up truck, shotguns and a spotlight. Poach deer in Pacific Grove at midnight. Drink whisky and eat roasted venison until dawn. Make jerky and gloves. Throw bones into the street.
6. Pummel hauled-out sea lions with a heavy pole. Just kidding. Douse one or two with gasoline and set on fire. Just kidding. Wrap a few together with duct tape and thick rope. Just kidding.
5. For New Year’s Eve, put on your best dark socks and kidnapper ski mask and run down Alvarado toward the bay, swinging a hockey stick. Have a friend waiting in get-away boat in the harbor. Outrun cops through Custom House plaza. Hop in boat. Make a run for Moss Landing/Prunedale. You’ll be safe up there. It’s rebel country.
4. Take that monstrous amphibious bus they use for Cannery Row tourists on a little joyride. Take corners really fast so it tips on two wheels. Race it down Franklin. Do not use brakes. Look for stuff to run over, like trashcans and fences. Wedge it in the tunnel to block traffic.
3. Scare the bejesus out of private club people. Drive around Pebble Beach in a cop car and yell profanities over the megaphone cops use to yell orders at motorists on the highway. “You! Over there! You!” Heckle golfers in the tee box. Chase down golf carts. Yell at people in Rolls Royces and Bentleys until they pull over. If they fail to pull over, ram.
2. Do one of those Cristo deals on the Lone Cypress and wrap it up in several layers of bright garish fabric. Shoot flares.
1. Solemnly march into all the English pubs in Monterey with a set of bagpipes and all your Irish friends. Be silent but make yourselves known. When you have everyone’s attention, belt out every Irish drinking song you can think of.
1a. Be Patriotic. Do the Army a favor and set off a few “controlled burns” out at Fort Ord.