Thursday, December 30, 2004
10. At a public meeting, an unnamed county appointee advised concerned residents their comments would be heard better if they “make love to the microphone.”
9. The same aforementioned unnamed county appointee declared a controversial project to be in need not only of an Environmental Impact Report, but an “Emotional Impact Report.”
8. Known to many of her clients as “the opposition,” an unnamed local activist asked an unnamed “well-coifed flack” on a date. Any sense of flattery was diminished upon learning the activist had once placed an advertisement for the future mother of his child.
7. While reading aloud to the local citizenry, an unnamed elected county official pronounced the word “circumspect” as “circumcised.”
6. An unnamed local citizen inquired at a public meeting as to how a proposed project would affect Disney’s plans to turn Del Rey Oaks into a gated-community. Spokespeople regretfully informed the man his information was based on the clearly fictional April Fool’s edition of the Monterey County Weekly.
5. An unnamed developer and local media darling gestured rudely and shouted “F*ck You!” to a county agency head during a Monterey public meeting.
4. During a council meeting, an unnamed local elected official referred to his past experience as a “male burlesque dancer.”
3. Following an unnamed south county city’s much publicized bankruptcy, resident knitters burnished the local image by placing weekly ads for their “Happy Hookers Group.” The group is not known to be affiliated with the Peninsula’s long-standing “Stitch and Bitch” club.
2. At a fundraiser for an unnamed elected county official, nervous guests were told not to worry about contaminated lobsters and clams because “we picked out the bad ones.”
1. An unnamed state commission, in its infinite wisdom, sought to bolster an already paralyzing web of land-use regulations by protecting coastal views enjoyed by Big Sur’s abundant “boating community.”