HEADS WILL ROLL… Squid’s somewhat of a sucker for direct mail, especially when it’s flattering. “You and other carefully selected achievers from the metro area are cordially invited to one of the most dynamic, life-changing events ever to come to your city,” announced a flyer that landed on Squid’s desk recently.

Yay! American Idol tryouts must be in town! But then Squid read further.

“The Women’s Conference, [coming to Monterey on March 2,] is a power-packed day of workshops…designed to energize and invigorate you…Miss this day, and there’s no telling how many opportunities will pass you by.”

Yipers, thought Squid, getting nervous at the possibility of missing such a life-changing event. Squid flipped to the color-coded conference agenda. Should Squid sign up for “Assertive Communication Skills,” (yes, damn it!) or maybe “How to Become Self-confident and in Control” (I am the great and mighty Squid, watch me boss you around!). Or “Dealing With Difficult People”(spray ink and run?). And Squid could definitely benefit from “Getting It All Done”—how many arms do they think this cephalopod has anyway?

As Squid pondered the contents of the “Woman’s Professional Toolbox,” Squid’s reverie was broken. One after the other, Squid’s needy co-workers knocked on Squid’s door, demanding attention. As Squid roiled with low-level hostility (can’t they do anything on their own?), Squid glanced down at “Managing Emotions in the Workplace,” a workshop described as “First aid for furious feelings: immediate steps to take when you’re about to ‘lose it.’ Halt festering conflicts before they have the chance to explode into damaging outbursts.”

For a fleeting second, Squid reconsidered Squid’s grumpy reactions to aforementioned coworkers. A kinder, gentler Squid? Nah. Squid ate the pesky editor. Managing emotions, indeed.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR… Speaking of mail, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and Squid loves, loves, loves chocolates, and teddy bears, and big, fat checks. Or cash. Or precious stones.

Imagine Squid’s surprise (followed shortly by disappointment) upon receiving an e-Valentine from the Monterey County Health Department Environmental Health Division Recycling Program.

No, it wasn’t a big, fat gift certificate for the Sardine Factory. It was a public service announcement, reminding Squid that “Valentine’s cards, like other greeting cards, letters, envelopes and junk mail, can be recycled! So while you are handing out those heartfelt wishes to your loved ones, remember to show your love for the earth too! Also look for cards made with the highest amount of post-consumer recycled content!”

Sigh.

Squid knows what’s good for the bottle is good for the can, reduce, reuse, recycle, and all those other catchy slogans. And Squid admits to being something of a recycling Nazi around the office. But on Valentine’s Day—and every other day, for that matter—there are some things that should go straight into the trash. Like sugary message hearts. And anything from an ex.