Mom, Dad, Merry Christmas. I’m getting married!

I wanted to tell you earlier, but we decided to make it a holiday surprise. I proposed to Treya last May in a field of wildflowers. She looked so beautiful in the light of an orange Big Sur sunset on the eve of the state Supreme Court decision. She said yes, and we decided to have the wedding in exactly one year.

But then Prop. 8 passed, so I did what I had to do. I got a sex change.

You’re shocked now, but you’ll get used to it. I still feel and act like a woman, but the important thing is that my legal status is male. Before the election, we’d already cashed our plummeting solar stocks to pay the chapel, planner, photographer and caterer. We figured the surgery would be cheaper than canceling the wedding.

Now we can get married the way God intended.

Guess you’ll have to start introducing me as your cross-dressing son. Don’t worry: If the court overturns Prop. 8, I can sex change right back to being your daughter.

You’d be amazed how much easier the surgery is now, Mom. It’s not all gory like when you got your boob job. Here on the Monterey Peninsula, we don’t put on night cream and shave our legs; we get Botox and laser hair removal.

That reminds me – Treya and I are a bit behind on our credit card and mortgage payments. When we bought this house in 2004 it seemed like such a deal: $800,000 and a kidney for this cute two-bedroom condo on Fort Ord. (Lose one body part, gain another.) But I had to take time off work for the surgery, and Gov. Schwarzenegger line-item vetoed the GirlyMan Fund for Still-Sore Transpersons.

Can we get a small loan? Maybe just enough to turn the pool into a cistern? (There’s big money in water around here.) We’ll be able to pay you back fo’ shizz!! Treya is developing a promising career on eBay. She has this eagle eye for consumer trends. In early October she found a sexy red Valentino jacket on clearance at Marshall’s for $34.99 and flipped it on eBay for $13,000. Weirdly, it went to the Republican National Committee. We can’t figure that one out.

Sorry I can’t be home with you this year. We’re waiting until gas hits $1 per gallon before taking any road trips. Please give Gracie the Sarah Palin doll from me. I want her to know even a woman can be president if she’s pretty enough.

How’s Grandma? The enclosed cat-hair sweater is for her. (We made a lot of homemade gifts this year.) The hummingbird-feather hair clip is for you, Mom. It’s my new hobby – I don’t want to waste the pretty carcasses Zorro keeps bringing in.

My Internet connection is down. I can’t believe I’m going to miss the live family podcast this year! In my absence, please play the enclosed DVD for the gang. Treya animated the dancing elf, and I made the beat by mixing “Merry Little Christmas” with Lil’ Jon’s “Get Low.” Treya snuck a surprise into second 34. Our gift to you!

Love, your daughter son,

Cynthia | Cornelius