Wish you all were here but here’s a holiday update from our farflung crew. You can check out the PowerPoint presentation, the webcam at http://www.allmessedup.com or the simultaneous podcast/PDF at www.wehavenolife.net.

Here’s the family update:

Mother Jones swallowed the Kool-Aid and won’t shut up about Obama. We think the medication is helping. Some.

We all survived Thanksgiving. Just Christmas and New Year’s to go and we can stagger into 2009 and find ways to hide from each other until next November. God give us the courage to change the things we can, accept the things we can’t and the wisdom to – oh, who gives a rat’s ass?

Aunt Mildred wore her bowtie blouse, bad slacks and sensible shoes. She wouldn’t shut up, so we drove her to the airport and split.

Omar and Avi had their annual smackdown on Hamas vs. the IDF, the Holocaust vs. the Right of Return. It was fun, if you don’t mind the broken plates, or the spitting.

Uncle Jim gave us a long, incredibly boring speech about how much he lost on his 401k. If he doesn’t play his cards right, the poor guy might actually have to sell that condo on the Big Island. Aunt Jill gave us her opinion on why all stock brokers are crooks, how badly she got ripped off in the market and the lowdown on her new sky-blue Miata. Mid-life crisis, anyone?

The twins, little Jason and Maya, are all growed up. Their parents, Brandon and Melissa, proudly inform us – and anyone else who will listen – that they got a combined score of 3200 on their SATs. (I guess the prep classes for annoying overachievers helped.) They’re deciding whether to go to Harvard, Stanford or work for an NGO in Swaziland. To simplify matters, we took the little brats into the backyard and hit them over the head with a shovel.

The liquor cabinet took an early hit but recovered.

We can’t say the same for Aunt Maureen, though – early on, she got that dark, Wiccan look and the rest of us ducked for cover.

Sample quotes:

“That turkey tastes like dirt.’’

“I’ll never forgive you for screwing my husband.’’ (OK, it crossed the line, but the cosmos were really hitting that night and let’s face it, it’s not like she hasn’t been there.)

“You’ve always treated me like dirt just because I’m the only one around here who has the guts to tell people the truth.’’

After the truth-or-dare session, we had some pumpkin pie, but Velma got a little peeved when we told her she couldn’t smoke in the house and then Eddie and Louise (that white trash slut) got into it with her for smoking in the first place.

(I know baby Huey is only three days old, but they didn’t have to get all pious about it.)

Cousin Jasmine took some E, but wouldn’t share – not nice!

It was a very nice holiday.

Love,

George and Mary Bailey