The rules for the Annual San Francisco Comedy Competition state “no subject is taboo.” At last Friday’s 33rd annual edition of the competition at Golden State Theatre, the comedians would honor that rule again and again throughout the laughter-laced evening, snappily hosted by former competition winner Johnny Steele.

A few uninhibited highlights follow. Judges– myself included– were asked to rate the 16 preliminary-round comedians, on a scale of 1-10. The members of the audience were asked simply to enjoy themselves. Everybody, it seems, followed orders.

First up, Jose Sarduy, on going to college in Colorado: “There’s no Cubans in Colorado. No major bodies of water. How we gonna get there?”

Jason Resler. “They got a drink [in Mexico] that’ll knock the sh** out of you. It’s called agua.”

Christian Reyes, on his car: “I have a Saturn. Sir, you drive a Saturn? You have the same problem that I have with it? Where you’re not getting laid?”

Dax Jordan, on dollar store pregnancy tests: “What you get is a written pregnancy test. From China. Was you drunk last night? Yes. Were you using dollar store condom? Yes. You pregnant.”

“WHAT YOU GET IS A WRITTEN PREGNANCY TEST. FROM CHINA. WAS YOU DRUNK LAST NIGHT? YES. WERE YOU USING DOLLAR STORE CONDOM? YES. YOU PREGNANT.”

Local funnyman Jason Downs, on visiting the Anne Frank house: “I have no idea how [the Nazis] didn’t find her. Because everywhere you go there’s signs pointing to the Anne Frank house… They have an Anne Frank gift shop. Isn’t that a little tacky? You squeeze the Anne doll and it goes ‘Shhhhh.’”

Tyler Boeh (first place), on Portland: “Portland has the biggest independent bookstore. It also has more strip clubs per capita than any other U.S. city. It’s weird. You can get a lap dance to books on tape. [Grind dancing] ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.’”

Kyle Harbart, on the CIA: “Eight months ago they got busted for destroying tapes showing them torturing. They said they had no use for it. Bullsh**. I downloaded gay porn eight months ago and I can’t get it off my hard drive.”

Brent Weinbach (fourth place) on, suprisingly, faith: “I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God. I’ve never seen one before but I have faith.”

Chris Karney, performing a card trick that seemingly isn’t going well: “Smile bitches, it’s as good as it’s going to get. It’s not like a tiger’s going to jump out of my ass.”

Murv Seymore (fifth place), on McCain’s running mate: “He knows how to pick a vice president. She got him a bump in the polls and I got a bump in my pants… a stimulus package.”

Tracey MacDonald, on her weight: “Some ladies asked if I had a eating disorder, I said, ‘Right now I’m eating disorder of fries so f*** off.’”

“SOME LADIES ASKED IF I HAD A EATING DISORDER, I SAID, ‘RIGHT NOW I’M EATING DISORDER OF FRIES SO F*** OFF.’”

Her underwear: “They’re not thongs. They’re just stuck.”

Bethany Therese, on flirting: “Girls will pretend we don’t know things work just so [guys] can show us. ‘Oh, that DVD goes in there? Oh, I was spinning the disk on my face and hoping to see the picture. You’re my hero. Let’s make out.’”

Rick D’Elia (third place): “My girlfriend’s always nagging me. People ask, ‘Do you hear wedding bells?’ I don’t hear anything over her nagging.”

Boone, on party girls: “I love party girls. They’re like a sore penis: you just can’t beat it. Almost.”

Peter Grey, on ethnic food: “In Seattle we have the ethnic aisle. Refried beans, soy sauce, matzoh balls. Explain this [reveals a box]… cracker meal. I don’t know if I should be offended. It’s what makes a trailer house a trailer home.”

Whew. While the judges’ scores were tallied backstage, Steele regaled the audience with a closing tour de force performance routine that started with his vasectomy at Kaiser Permanente, moved on through junk food, and ended with JFK’s assassination.

The winning comedians that night included, from first to third, Boeh, Sarduy and D’Elia. My favorites– who didn’t crack the top three, showing how deep the cast of hilarious characters are for this event– were Tracey MacDonald for her deadly humor and deadpan delivery, Murv Seymore for making politics personal, Boone for his extended riff on party girls and Dax Jordan for wringing every cent out of his dollar store bit. Monterey native Jason Downs also impressed, and was as effective as anyone in showing how far comedy can take us in honoring the no-such-thing-as-taboo rule. (Anne Frank comedy? Who knew?)

“An Anne Frank key chain?” Downs said. “It’s hard enough for me to find my keys as it is.”

MORE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE COMPETITION:

HOST JOHNNY STEELE– “I did a gig at Hayden Lake (Idaho). You don’t play in a room like this; you play in a sh*tty room. They sold bait.” He compares it to the vast stretches between New York and California: “Hee-Haw without cameras. It’s so expensive in California because people are like ‘I’ll pay anything to get away from those assholes.’”

He couldn’t wear jeans at a performance at San Quentin, he explains, because the inmates wear jeans; so if anything goes down, the tower guards know who not to shoot. “I’ll be the guy in the moose antlers and Cal-Trans vest, playing a tuba and wearing clown shoes.”

AIR FORCE PILOT JOSE SARDUY– “I see some confused faces. ‘That’s the whitest Jose I’ve ever seen.’”

JASON RESLER on his family: “Three times in a row my daughter brought home three straight A’s. I was like, aw sh**, now I gotta get a DNA test, ‘cuz that doesn’t sound like anything from my family. A friend said ‘you must be proud.’ I said ‘I’m waiting to see. Right now I’m really just kind of suspicious.’”

TV reality game show “The Bachelor,” in which the winner gets to get married: “Are you kidding me? Anyone here ever been married? Is there a consolation prize?”

His grandfather: “My grandfather was in WWII. I took him to the mall, lost him. He went into Old Navy and re-enlisted.”

CHRISTIAN REYES– “I’m a Mexican only child. You’re welcome.”

Being Mexican: “Know what it means to be Mexican? You go to the Home Depot, someone offers you a job.”

“KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE MEXICAN? YOU GO TO THE HOME DEPOT, SOMEONE OFFERS YOU A JOB.”

DAX JORDAN– “My parents are smart, good looking. What did I get? I’m smart looking.”

Golden State Theatre: “Seriously, what use is a stage this big unless I’m saying ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kong!’”

BET: “We were watching the BET. Most of you are like ‘what is that, a gambling channel’? It’s Black Entertainment Television, you honkeys.”

Rap music: “I listen to rap music the old fashion way; from some punk’s car three lanes over.”

JASON DOWNS– “This is my hometown. You know how to tell? Because I don’t say Seaside, I say Sea-SIDE!”

Trip to Europe: “Apparently our money’s worth sh** right now. We’re Europe’s Mexico.” “Booked the hotel through Priceline.The hotel had high-speed internet and no towels. If I have high-speed internet, I’m going to need towels.”

Anne Frank house tourist destination: “They have an Anne Frank gift shop. Anne Frank key chain? It’s hard enough for me to find my keys.”

TYLER BOEH (first place) on Portland: “We [Portland] also have a lot of crystal meth because that’s what strippers eat.”

KYLE HARBART, on political candidates: “I don’t care about the fact that Obama’s half black, or McCain’s half chipmunk, or Hillary’s half woman.”

His youth: “No one wants to be told about the NSA by some guy that looks like a drunk 12-year-old. When I touch kids it doesn’t even look wrong.”

STEELE, as emcee, comments on the Red Bull Harbart drank on stage: “A Red Bull, in your twenties? Know what we did for energy when I was young? We were in our twenties.”

“A RED BULL, IN YOUR TWENTIES? KNOW WHAT WE DID FOR ENERGY WHEN I WAS YOUNG? WE WERE IN OUR TWENTIES.”

CHRIS KARNEY takes out, from the fly of his pants, a bottle of beer, then a bottle opener. When he opens the bottle, foam pours out, which he tries to catch in his mouth. His attempts turn into an awkward fellatio, at which point a woman in the audience yells, “You’re doing it wrong.”

After a while he seems baffled: “You guys really don’t like me. This is amazing. I’m going to do a card trick, f*** it.”

MURV SEYMORE (fifth place) on his body: “I didn’t even know I had man titties until the guy who was guarding me [in basketball] was like, ‘I got the guy with the titties. Yeah, I got you double DD.’”

Career: “Palin is the same age as me. Barrack is three years older than me. They’re running for vice president and president, and I’m running from my student loans.”

“PALIN IS THE SAME AGE AS ME. BARRACK IS THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ME. THEY’RE RUNNING FOR VICE PRESIDENT AND PRESIDENT, AND I’M RUNNING FROM MY STUDENT LOANS.”

Women: “I like a woman with a booty so big when she sits in the car the trunk pops open.”

Being black: “A lot of bad things happen when you’re traveling and doing comedy. Got a flat in Arkansas at night. Bad things happen in the dark when you’re dark. I’m waiting on the AAA and I’m worried about the KKK.”

Denny’s: “Black people going to Denny’s is like Jewish people going to Hitler’s House of Pankcakes.”

TRACEY MACDONALD, on her self image: “I was at Starbucks and I ordered a cappucinno. Short, lo-fat (low, fat), single. The guy finally got my coffee and he said ‘sorry bout the wait (weight).’”

Comedy: “I am a female comic. I’m not lesbian. I’m bi. Polar.”

Biological clock: “My friends tell me ‘Trace, whenever you see a baby you stare.’ I do the same thing when I see a car wreck, it doesn’t mean I want one.”

Health care: “I went for a breast exam. Are they supposed to dim the lights and use coco butter?”

Viagra warnings: “If your erection lasts longer than four hours call your doctor. F*** that. Call me.”

“IF YOUR ERECTION LASTS LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL YOUR DOCTOR. F*** THAT. CALL ME.”

ANDREW SANTINO, on his hair: “My hair is orange. Practical joke by God. Thanks, big guy. Young people try to be smart-asses about it, asking me ‘Is your hair naturally orange?’ No, I went to Walgreens and was like: sandy blond, chestnut brown or never-get-laid red? That one’s for me.”

BETHANY THERESE, on her upbringing: “I’m Italian, I grew up in Minnesota, lived in New York, so I can get away with the phrase ‘Go screw yourself, okey dokey?’”

Boobs: “I understand why guys like big boobs. I understand. Those things are mesmerizing. They draw you in. (In a sultry French accent) ‘Hello. Look what I can do. Boom-boom.’

RICK D’ELIA (third place). “It’s good to be in the San Francisco Comedy Competition. In Monterey.”

Modern greetings: “I don’t know how to shake hands with anyone under 25. It’s like– bend, snap, shake, I think there’s some math involved.”

BOONE, on party girls: “When girls are dancing with a guy, they’re really just grinding him into submission. Female Jedi mind tricks. [Pantomimes a grinding dance] You’re going to buy me and my girlfriends drinks all night long. Aren’t you?” “I love watching party girls trying to walk home at the end of the night. After a couple of drinks they’re like a baby giraffe. [He falls to the ground] They’re pissed off, ass in the air. They’re pissed at their friends.”

After the party: “ I go home alone and my dick’s like, ‘Dude, you suck. Don’t touch me.’”

PETER GREY, on real estate terms: “When you buy a house, words lose all meaning. It’s not small, it’s cozy. It’s not old, it’s classic. It’s not an inter-dimensional portal to hell, it’s Castroville.”

Reading news headlines: “Phoenix tries to ban naked lady mudflaps. The mudflap industry replies tersely, ‘Back off!’” “Chinese man eaten by zoo tiger. Thirty minutes later it’s hungry again.”

See tour schedule at www.sanfranciscocomedycompetition.com.