Thursday, August 27, 2009
SPECIAL TWO-LINERS EDITIONI’m planning to do some landscaping at my farm and wanted to know: Is it better to hire the Mexicans looking for work who wait at Lowes or the ones who wait at Home Depot? Which ones will do the best work? --Farmer Baboso
Dear Gabacho: Neither. Try the ones at the local union, so a farmer can pay a non-exploitative wage to Mexicans for once.How I do I explain a dead Mexican in my bed? Moments before, he was alive and muy caliente. But when I mentioned matrimonio, he stopped and looked at me with wide eyes. Then, that was it. El fin. Is this how Mexican lovers normally react? --Sonriendo gringa en Tucson
Dear Smiling Gabacha: The reaction you describe is endemic to all guys, not just wabs. No, the standard Mexican hombres coitus finish is spilled horchata, a satiated chica, and a new soldier for the Reconquista.What is it with Mexicans and shoes? Here’s a story: my sis-in-law had a baby shower for her first baby and her cousin-in-law, a Mexican national from Tijuana, gave her and her bebe SHOES – stiff, shiny, leather (plastic?) SHOES – even though the little guy was a good 8-10 months away from starting to walk. What’s going on here? --Zapato-liking-but-not-loving gringo
Dear Gabacho: We like shoes! They help us kick gabacho ass, flee gabachos, climb over them for jobs, stomp on their illusions of a monolingual America, jump over their walls and teach good posture for all of the above acciones.What is it with Mexicans, beer, LOUD music, and prepaid phone cards? Every day, they buy a five-dollar phone card that they say are using to call Mexico, but I know those cards have five-plus hours on them. Is that what they do all day after getting drunk from cheap beer? I lived in a once-quiet and peaceful Asian and Anglo-Saxon neighborhood, but after 10 Mexicans moved into one of the houses, I have been up all night into ungodly hours. --Raccoon Eyes
Dear Gabacha: Those Mexicans are courting you. And, judging by your intimate knowledge of your neighbors’ phone use, it’s working!