COP SWAGGER… “Yes, I will win. I just can’t tell you by how much,” proclaimed Sheriff Mike Kanalakis when asked about his chances for re-election at a Weekly editorial board interview. Squid thinks confidence is good thing – especially for the county’s last line of law enforcement defense – but arrogance is another story. Kanalakis isn’t the only sheriff candidate a little full of himself as we near the June 8 election. “With all humility, I may be the most qualified candidate who ever ran for county sheriff,” former Pacific Grove police chief Scott Miller reportedly told a local newspaper. Really? And then there’s Fred Garcia, who can’t seem to give up his turf war with Kanalakis. A month before the election, Garcia filed suit against the county for violating his Peace Officer Bill of Rights during his internal investigation. Squid gets it: You guys all shoot guns and are tough. Kanalakis had his “hand on the switch” of a nuclear warhead; Miller was a beat cop in gang-infested Salinas; Garcia led the sheriff’s SWAT team. But these guys might want to keep their aim trained on bad guys and issues instead of braggadocio and personal beefs.

HAIL TO THE CONEHEADS… Squid gives out lots of kudos – the Spiciest Tamale Prize and the Raddest Mullet Certificate among them – but few are more coveted than the Cleverest Carmel Valley Road Traffic Trophy. For good reason: Congestion along CV Road from Carmel Rancho to Highway 1 is often hairier than Alec Baldwin’s chest. It got even worse at the start of construction for the new bike tunnel (which sets Squid’s tentacles thrumming with delight, by the way): Orange cones forcing two lanes into one between Carmel Rancho and the highway caused 3-mile backups. But then, some genius at the county Public Works Department made a few tweaks, forcing traffic at the mouth of the valley into one lane in each direction – and adding a solid-green right turn arrow onto Highway 1. Miraculously, the traffic dissipated, and the flow is now better than ever. Squid hopes the change will be permanent. Soon, the only thing more pleasant than driving down a traffic-free Carmel Valley Road will be cruising the new bike path.

ALTERNATIVE REALITY.… Squid’s as big a fan of the artistic cephalopod, but the Alternative Cafe amazes with its latest event, a Wednesday, May 19 drawing exhibit from Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art school, Brooklyn hipster art scene folks who are part of a 2005 movement founded by Molly Crabapple. (Great name.) Subject: Why can’t drawing naked people be sexy? The answer: It can. Artists and voyeurs invited. Only problem: No photographers. Squid is sad about the omission. The eyes have it.